Van Stories.

I wrote this some years ago, but much of it still holds true. Hope you enjoy!
xo
Lee Ann

Chrysler Town and Country: interesting under-floor storage and a neat back seat that folds down into the floor. The Dodge Grand Caravan: uncomfortable seats and bad stereos, but more serviceable than the tiny standard Caravan, which won’t do at all. Chevy Astro: one van to rule them all.

The Chevy Astro is no longer rented by many of the van rental companies in New York City, as too many tourists have complained that it is too large. The Biddies find it to be absolutely perfect. The Chevy Astro (available in the color of pink champagne) rides high above other cars on a light and airy suspension. The chairs softly cradle the body and warm the tushie. When the driver slows down, the Astro automatically turns down the radio to make up for the lack of road noise. The floor is wide and spacious for sleeping. There are plenty of A/C outlets and pockets for 4 cell phones and chargers. The Biddies will forever mourn the loss of this fine touring vehicle. It is only available now by special request from one company, and then sparingly and not guaranteed.

The van has a vocabulary all it’s own, and a code of conduct to go along with it. “I think I might be ready for some quiet time” means “Everyone shut the heck up as I am tired of listening to you yap.” She who speaks above the quietest whisper during quiet time is met with a glare of deep disapproval. Each Biddy even has her own favorite places in the van, and every other Biddy knows them.

Deidre tends to sit in the back behind the driver, as she prefers a good space-out to driving. That seat almost universally has the worst view, and the least A/C. When the girls have to get up at 7 or 8 a.m. for a long drive, they usually can convince Deidre to go along with it by promising to “shovel her onto a sleeping bag on the floor,” where she is able to sleep for a solid 7 hours without stirring. The other girls are intensely jealous of her sleeping ability, but not of the fact that she has a hard time falling asleep before 5 in the morning. Her nocturnal nature comes in handy, though, during night drives.

Lee Ann usually wins the wrangle for the driver’s seat with a whine of “I’m bored!” or “I’m carsick!” When not driving, she must have a project to occupy herself, such as updating the band’s website on her laptop (the reason why she gets carsick) or scrapbooking. If she can’t find a project, she’ll curl up on the floor behind the driver to descend into Van Sleep.” During Van Sleep, one wakes every 30 minutes feeling cotton-mouthed and hung over, whether or not she had been drinking the night previous.

Saskia also prefers to drive. She is a solid chauffeur with eclectic taste in music, so Lee Ann can usually bring herself to surrender the keys when pressed. When Saskia is not driving, she reads novels and The New Yorker voraciously, and spends hour upon hour trying in vain to sleep. While any Biddy is sleeping (except for Deidre and especially Saskia) all van noise must be kept to a minimum. Saskia is always a little upset that she isn’t getting enough sleep, and the stress of worry often keeps her from said sleep. She is also quite literally the lightest of sleepers. Lee Ann has woken her in the morning by walking in her stocking feet and once by moving an empty cloth bag off of a bedspread on the other side of the room. To wake Deidre, it takes a frenzied Biddy stuffing a sleeping bag into its storage sack right next to her head – but that is another story.

Another phenomenon of van life is that, for the four girls, the space becomes a confessional. By day three there are no secrets. Many a drive has spawned long conversations about all manner of private things. Sex life, digestion, sex life, childhood trauma, digestion and sex life tend to take precedence. It’s very different from being on the road with a band full of men whose conversation topic is limited to (according to Lee Ann) episodes of The Simpsons and (provided the are not actually homosexual) pretending to be gay.

In the van The Biddies also have jobs. Saskia usually plays DJ with her (or anyone else’s) iPod or reads aloud from magazines. Deidre brings said magazines (the trashy variety all the girl profess to hate, then devour). She is also in charge of The Biddy journals, regularly saying to the air in the van “I am just going to put it here in case anyone feels like writing in it…” Woe to she who does not participate, for she will endure the infinite sadness in Deidre’s eyes as she says, “I would really like it if you would draw/write something today. It’s been such a long time.”